


When Half of Me Is Gone

by blondshua



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, jun may or may not have been heavily based on myself hah, jun's a dork that love josua a ton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-05 08:16:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11009511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blondshua/pseuds/blondshua
Summary: Jun remembered the first time he met Joshua. His pretty hair was in a soft pink hue. Jun had never been a fan of pink, but in that moment, he thought that was the most perfect color ever.(After that, Jun acquired a knack for pink decorations, and he took quite a good while to realize that the sparkly eyed boy was the reason for it).





	When Half of Me Is Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Jun's Alone teaser and by Don't Wanna Cry lyrics... kinda.
> 
> * Everything in commas + italic are thoughts. Ge and Gege are older brother/hyung in mandarin. *

_“Hey... how are you?”_

Jun’s eyes suddenly flashed open. Large beads of sweat made his forehead sticky. If he was in another situation, it would bother him, but right now, he only processed the feeling. He sat up, his mind all twisted and confused, not really knowing what made him wake up so suddenly. _“Hey…”_. Suddenly he felt sick, like someone had punched him on the stomach, he closes his eyes in hopes that that would soothe the pain.

He heard soft footsteps coming in his direction. _“_ _Could it be…? ”_ He opened his eyes again, looking for the source of the noise. _“_ _Oh…”_

“Hao” Jun whispered out, his voice raspy and unnatural to him, but clearly soaked in disappointment.

“Ge…” the other boy simply muttered “You thought I was him?”

Jun swallowed, his throat so dry that it burned. He averted his gaze from the younger’s eyes but still nodded.

Minghao sighed, but remained silent. He looked to the table across the chaise lounge his friend was in, letters and more letters spread atop of it. _“_ _Why do you torture yourself?"_ He ran a hand through his own hair not sure of how to proceed.

“You don’t look good.” Was what he said after a long and uncomfortable pause. _“How are you?”_ Jun only snorted in response, completely aware of the fact.

“Why are you still doing this then?” Minghao voiced, albeit a little annoyed.

The other didn’t answer for a while, his head nested inside his own palms. For a moment, Minghao thought he didn’t even hear him. Just when he was about to give up, his friend looked up, looking him right in the eyes. The younger felt really miserable for the one in front of him because the only thing he saw reflected in his eyes were confusion and despair.

“I… don’t know Hao. I just… I can’t forget him” Junhui sighed, his voice full of hurt. “I tried… I really did, but…” he gulped, his head slightly shaking from side to side. His phrase was left hanging, because his head was now again against his palms. _“I don’t know why I called you… but…”_

Minghao contemplated the other for a while, wishing he could do something to make him feel better. “You love Joshua… that’s why…”

Jun skin tingled just at the sound of the other name. _Did he really? “When we see each other again…”_ He wanted that so bad. He was sure that just seeing the other ones face would be enough to make him feel whole again. But he couldn’t. If he saw Joshua again he was sure he wouldn’t be able to give him up. He liked him _so_ much…

“Even if I do… Wonwoo likes him Hao. I can’t do this to him.” He confessed, sulking, his voice so _so_ fragile that Minghao though he would cry at any moment.

“You know gege… you can’t always put others before yourself… I know you think you’re not worth it, that he deserves better… but you’re an amazing person... there are so many people that care about you and that just want you to be ok again… and I think you know by now how Joshua feels about you.” Minghao said in the most comforting tone he could. Seeing his best friend like this, _devastated_ , made him feel small.

_“No, never mind…”_ Jun gulped and decided to ignore his friend and the voice message that repeated nonstop on his dull mind. “You can go now Hao. I’ll be fine”.

Minghao stood there, astonished, not really believing what he just heard. He felt his blood boil, his nails digging in the skin of his clenched fists. Just when he was about to scream at his friend, Jun looked him in the eyes, and he could see they were teary, the liquid threatening to fall in any second. And it was his turn to gulp. He couldn’t throw a tantrum now, he would break his _oh so hurt_ already hyung.

“I’m sorry Hao” the other surprising apologized. “I’m too scared to go after him…”.

The younger pondered for a while, mouth still agape from the surprise. “Hey” he voiced, standing now in front of the other. His hands ruffled Jun’s hair, a small smile on his lips. “It’s ok… you are more than good enough Jun.” The black-haired boy leaned in his touch, just enjoying the hard to come affection. “But as your best friend, I also need to tell you that if you keep this up, it’ll be too late.” Jun face was stern as he looked up to the other boy. “I’m going now then. Bye”.

_“Bye…”_ His chest suddenly tightened as the voice message his loved one left him came to mind again. As he heard the front door closing, Junhui deeply sighed, trying to keep his tears in control. He decided to get up and try to distract himself from his misery.

He stared out the window, at the beautiful shining sun and how it made the garden in front of his place look like it was out of a movie. He was sure Joshua would love it; he would probably take a picture there, the sun reflecting in his luscious brown locks. Jun smiled fondly. He always preferred the sun over the moon, but since he met Josh he has grown so fond of the night, because the stars that lighted up the dark sky reminded him of the eyes of the boy and how the boy’s presence lighted up his whole life.

And then it hit him. He loved Joshua. From the depths of his whole being. He loved Joshua and how his eyes shined so bright, how his eyes crinkled when he smiled, how his lips were naturally and cutely pouty, he loved how contagious his smile was. He loved his sweet and calming voice, he loved when he played guitar, just humming along to the beat, he loved seeing him in oversized clothes, he loved how he hides his smile with his hands, he loved how he made the world seem so perfect, and more than everything, he loved how Joshua made him feel complete.

He hurriedly searched the table where he had scattered all the letters Joshua sent him, looking out for the last one he received, the one that had Joshua’s new address. He griped the paper tight between his fingers, reading it a couple of times, trying to make his resolve. He crumpled the paper in the pocket of his jacket, reading to head out. When he was already at the door, he remembered something and quickly found a paper, writing down a note to Minghao.

 

_“Hey…. How are you? Uhm… I don’t know why I called you but- When we see each other again… No, never mind. Bye...”_

As he frantically tried to call a cab, his mind wandered, and he remembered the first time he met Joshua.

 

> His pretty hair was in a soft pink hue. Jun had never been a fan of pink, but in that moment, he thought that was the most perfect color ever (After that, Jun acquired a knack for pink decorations, and he took quite a good while to realize that the sparkly eyed boy was the reason for it). The boy introduced himself, his eyes crinkling when he smiled and Jun saw himself smiling together with the boy. He realized the boy's eyes had really pretty shape that made him look like a cat. Pretty reddish pouty lips that looked cute when twisted up in a smile. He was slender but not scrawny and, as Jun pretended not to notice, had a round ass. _“Nice one Jun, checking out a person you barely met, have some decency”_ he thought to himself.
> 
> ...and in that moment Jun realized he wouldn't mind kissing that boy at all. 

 

By the time Jun arrived there, it was already night. He stared the building, his will fading now that he was close to his objective. Putting his insecurities aside, he swallowed, stepping inside the building and in the elevator. His palms were sweating and felt gross, he really felt like turning around and leaving. “ _Why is this so hard?”_ he sighed, frustrated.

  

> “Ok, you learned from a video on YouTube, but do I even want to know where the heck you got this makeup kit from?” Jun said while Joshua put on some vampire makeup on him for a costume party.
> 
> Joshua giggled playfully “Probably not”.
> 
> “... Did you steal this Joshua Hong?!” Jun exclaimed with a loud voice.
> 
> Joshua laughed so much his hand went to his mouth to cover it up, as usual. Jun always thought that was a really cute habit of his. When he calmed down and returned to painting, he answered a “No, I did not Wen Junhui”. He felt butterflies in his stomach but tried to brush it off. How could his name sound so nice in Joshua's voice?
> 
> The boy put the makeup on with a certainty that made him look like a pro makeup artist but his face was too close for Jun to be comfortable. He couldn't help but admire the flawless skin of the other boy. A spark ran through him and he decided to dismiss it as envy, after all the brown-haired boy looked too good, who wouldn't feel envious? Joshua's eyes suddenly dart up to his and Jun was **completely sure** he was caught staring. He felt his cheeks heating up, he gulped, thinking of a credible excuse but the other boy just smiled, going back to his business. Jun's heart was beating so fast he thought he may die.
> 
>  
> 
> When he was finished up, he sat impatiently in Joshua's living room, waiting for him to get ready.  He looked at his reflection, black smoky eye makeup, blood red lips and defined cheekbones. _“Did he really learn this out from a video?”_
> 
> Jun admired Joshua's work when he heard footsteps behind him and already started to complain “Why the heck am I in a vampire outfit and you're going as a sailor? You should go as something cool-” but as he turned back to look at the other, his mouth was left agape. His mind short circuited and he was sure he looked pathetic because Joshua giggled.
> 
> “Do I look good?” The boy voiced. Good? _“Good?”_ Jun wasn't sure there was an existing adjective to describe how fucking amazing Joshua looked in a navy blue sailor outfit, with shorts and suspenders. He looked so goddamn incredibly good, emanating an innocent sexy aura, while the really cute outfit hugged his body in all the right ways. His hair was styled up and, oh dear lord, Joshua was smirking at him, probably entertained by the reaction he was causing. Jun's heart was beating so loud he was sure Joshua was able to hear it even standing a couple of feet away and he wasn't sure if he wanted to cuddle up with the adorable boy or if he wanted to smash their lips together, letting his hands slide over the exposed skin of the other’s legs, his fingers maybe trilling up under his shirt.
> 
> Oh. Boy. Junhui was fucked.
> 
> Joshua's smirk had grown impossibly larger in which he simply stated “I'm taking that as a yes”. The boy was so self-confident in that moment that Jun felt weak in the knees. Trying to not be completely pathetic, he tried to gather up some words.
> 
> “Smug now, aren't we?” Jun tried to sound indifferent but the gleam in Joshua's eyes as he stopped in front of the younger showed that he _knew_ that Jun liked it. He just hoped he didn't knew _how much_ he did so.
> 
> “I learned from the best” Joshua simply stated, fingers slightly sliding over Jun's aching chest, his heart impossibly beating faster and it was aching so much that the black-haired boy thought it would stop at any minute or maybe explode. He gulped seeing the boy heading to the entryway of the apartment.
> 
>  
> 
> ...and in that moment Jun realized he would kill to kiss that boy. 

 

13th floor. Jun was sweating in nervousness. 1012. He started to question himself why he was there. _“It has been so long…”_. Would Joshua want to see him? After _that time_ , Jun just vanished after all… _“It’s been 4 months…”_ Four long months. 1014. He moved out of his old place and changed his cellphone number. He didn’t tell Joshua… but the boy always sent letters. Jun went to his previous place to collect them from time to time _“How many did he send?”_ He knew exactly, but pretended not to.

1013\. He faced the door for some moments, taking out the crumpled paper out of his pocket, checking if he was in the right place for the hundredth time. He leaned his head softly against the door. His head was hurting, the cursed voice massage repeating forever in his mind. He shouldn’t have done that… If he was a good friend at _that time_ , he wouldn’t be here. _“That time…”._

 

> “You and Joshua are close, right?” He blinked haphazardly. _“No, not really, he's just coming to my place later with his guitar to chill while I admire his beauty”_ he thought of saying, but settled for a “Uhum”.
> 
> “Ah, nice. Say, could you do me a favor?” Wonwoo asked, albeit not really waiting for an answer. “So yeah, I kinda like him” He laughed a bit nervously. “Could you, I don't know, put up a good word for me?”.
> 
> Jun gulped, his mouth left agape, his mind trying to process the new information. Wonwoo liked Joshua. In a flash, moments of both of them together passed through his mind. Joshua was always smiley and hyped next to Wonwoo. Joshua was happy with Wonwoo.
> 
> He gulped once again, this time his throat so dry it felt like swallowing fire. “Y-yeah...” was all he was able to blurt out.
> 
>  
> 
> Jun was finishing tiding up his place when the doorbell rang. As he opened the door, his heart stopped for a second. Joshua smiled a little, waving with the sweater paws of his oversized beige sweater. Jun really wanted to hug him tight, and maybe never let him go, but he just stepped inside, Joshua following him close behind.
> 
> “Is everything ok?” He heard the other boy asking cautiously. He opened his mouth to answer 'yeah' but then he remembered his talk with Wonwoo earlier and everything didn't feel so fine anymore, so he just nodded, not trusting in anything he might blabber.
> 
> _“Joshua probably likes Wonwoo, they are always smiling and joking together_ ”. He cleared his throat, trying to get rid of the sour taste in his mouth. “I... made some sandwiches for us. Be right back” he saw the brown-haired boy nodding as he turned his back. Instead of heading to the kitchen, he snuck into the bathroom and saw clearly why Josh questioned him. He looked like trash. _“Get your shit together”_ he thought to his reflection.
> 
> When he came back to the living room, Joshua was sitting in his dark pink lounge chaise, tuning his guitar. _“He's so beautiful...”._
> 
> “Come here” the other said patting the place next to him. Jun did, putting the sandwich tray in the coffee table to the side. Joshua started playing a slow, melancholic tune, humming along. Jun's been here so many times: listening to the other ones voice, that makes a warm fuzzy feeling spread across his chest; seeing his fluttering lashes; and how his pretty pink lips twisted up while he was into the melody and those moments were always so precious to him.
> 
> But this time... he felt wrong. Like he didn't deserve to be there, admiring that amazing boy. After all, he did like Joshua as well but different from Wonwoo, he didn't dare admit it, most of the time not even to himself. He was a coward. He was so _so_ afraid of losing Joshua he didn't even dare to like him. How could he? Joshua is perfect, and he is... well... _him._
> 
> “What?” Joshua's soft giggling voice pulled him out of his thoughts. He must have been staring, because the boy stopped playing and just looked at him.
> 
> Jun's hand instinctively reached out for the other’s cheeks, rubbing small circles on his skin. Joshua's eyes widened but he didn't move. _“You deserve everything in this world…”_ he thought.
> 
> And in that moment, he decided he would give up on Joshua. Wonwoo would make him happy and that's all he wanted for the other boy, for him to be happy. But before he could even process, his lips met Joshua's.
> 
> He sighed a little. This was probably what heaven felt like. The other boy lips were so soft and warm, just like what he makes Jun feel. When he starts to pull away, he can feel Joshua leaning in closer, and he feels the brown-haired boy warm and wet tongue against his lips. A shiver runs through his whole body and he can feel every strand of hair in his body standing up. He _feels_ so much he almost chokes, but instead he gathers the little coherence he still had and kissed the other boy back.
> 
> The kiss in needy and Jun really tries not to focus on the small noises that leaves from Joshua's throat. They kiss for what it feels like forever, Jun's hand never stopping the caress on the other’s cheek. When they finally pull away from each other, gasping for breath, the older boy lips were all swollen up and Jun thinks that the only other thing that's as pretty as this, is Joshua’s sleeping face.
> 
> “...I'm sorry” Jun spoke up after a little while. He wasn't sorry for kissing him, but for being too selfish to let him know what Wonwoo asked him to. He never really talked to Joshua after that. 

 

He sighed, remembering Joshua’s face. He wanted to see him again so damn much. With shaky hands, he reached out and rang the doorbell, not sure if he was wishing for the boy to be home or not. His heart was thumping so loud and he hated that. He hated that he just couldn’t forget about Joshua, but he wished, _oh how much he did_ , to be able to convey his feelings to Joshua and, if it wasn’t too much of a dream, that he felt the same way.

He heard noises behind the door and stood up straight, trying to look his best and when the door opened, just like the last time he saw him, his heart seemed to stop and suddenly everything felt so much better. Joshua looked shocked for a moment, but quickly he smiled, with lips and eyes, shining, and it was even more beautiful than Jun remembered. But as the other boy opened the door fully, his heart clenched and seemed to fall to the bottom of his stomach, his throat in a knot. There, sitting in Joshua’s new living room, was Wonwoo, calmly watching tv.

Jun started to break a sweat, everything started spinning and he thought he would throw up. He could feel his hands shaking, deciding to clench his fist to make it stop. _“It’s ok Jun. You said it to yourself that you only wanted him to be happy, right? Or what? Did you think he would be waiting for your pathetic ass to show up?”_ his thoughts betrayed him, stabbing straight into his insecurities. He gulped, still looking at the marvelous boy in front of him that, in return, was waiting for him to say something. _“Just say something god dammit”._ And, as his mouth was hanging open in a loss of words, he decided to do the most logical thing. Jun turned around and ran away.

“Wait! Jun!” he heard the other boy screaming behind him and quick footsteps catching up to his.

_“Fuck fuck fuck, this was a bad idea… of all the bad choices I’ve made this is probably the worst…”_ the younger thought as he frantically smashed the elevator button, and when he gave up and decided that he was ok with going down 13 levels of staircase, Joshua’s warm fingers grasped his wrists.

“Please Jun, just… please, don’t go away… please don’t disappear again” the other boy urged and Jun heart clenched so hard when he looked back to the boy and saw his watery eyes. His breath faltered, but the grip was still there, as strong as before, really wanting to make sure the taller one would remain there.

A lot of things crossed trough Jun’s mind. Should he hug him? Should he brush off the other hand and leave? Should he wipe away the tears that threatened to fall across the other’s pink cheeks? Should he ask about Wonwoo? He thought of many things he could do and how Joshua would react but he just froze there, not saying a word, not making any move.

“Can we please talk? It’s been so long and there are things that I need to tell you” he hurriedly professed, standing up straight and trying to look proper. He actually waited for a response, but since it never came, the brown-haired boy began speaking anyways.

“Look Jun…” the other began and it was clear that he was reluctant on saying whatever it was. “I’m… I’m sorry for kissing you that day. I wasn’t thinking straight but please, can you please forget about that so we can get back to being at least friends? Fuck… you have no idea how much I’ve missed talking to you…”. _“Oh my god… this is all wrong…”_ Jun mind was screaming for the other boy to shut up.

“Or hanging out like we used to, you know… I’ve even wrote down a few songs that I haven’t showed anyone yet because you were always the one that told me if they were good or not…” Joshua concluded. “And you moved out and changed your number, and… I’m so sorry that happened, please just-”

“Oh lord, just… stop please” Jun croaked, with his eyes closed and head thrown back. And when he looked at the other boy, he realized that _this one_ was actually his worst decision. Joshua looked _so_ hurt and offended that the younger started to freak out, not knowing what to do to fix it.

“No! It’s not like that, just…” he blurted, hiding his face behind his now free hands. “Fuck, why am I such a mess?” he cried a little in embarrassment and frustration, but soon his hands held both of Joshua’s hands in his and he scoffed at himself for ever thinking that he could forget about him; he felt butterflies in his stomach just by feeling the other ones warmth. He now understood the things Minghao told him and just wished he had listened to his advice sooner. Then maybe, _maybe_ , he wasn’t too late.

“Look, you don’t have to apologize for anything. First of all, I kissed you first and, jesus, I’ve wanted to do that for a _long_ time.” Jun realized the other’s cheeks were starting to flush pink and realizes that he shouldn’t be speaking about that, after all… he was with Wonwoo. So, he decided to do his best to remain his friend, even if that meant going back to his hurtful one sided love.

“I just… wanted to say I’m sorry. For everything. I shouldn’t have kissed you that day. I’m sorry that I went missing. I… actually was supposed to tell you something that I didn’t. I’m sorry about that as well.” He concluded what, to him, sounded like a really bad fucking excuse, but he hoped that the other boy at least could tell he was sincerely sorry.

“Hm… You know me enough to know I won’t be mad at you for such things. I actually wouldn’t have run after you if I was” Jun agreed with a small smile. “But I’m kinda curious… What thing didn’t you told me about back then?”

“Ah” Jun voiced, clearing his dry throat. He really didn’t want to talk about it. “It’s that… Wonwoo had asked me to tell you something, but… I figured you’d know what it is by now.” He finished in a low voice.

Joshua thought for a second. “That he liked me?” the taller one fidgeted a little, but hummed in agreement. “Hmm… he told me that himself about… a week or so after, well, you know, after you vanished”.

Jun gulped once more, feeling a sharp shot of guilt. If he wasn’t such a coward, maybe he could’ve confessed first and none of this situation would have happened. “Ah… hm… nice…” he blurted pathetically.

Contrary to anything he expected, Joshua chuckled. He was so confused he let go of the other one hands. “You know” Joshua began “You said you are sorry for lots of things, but never said you were sorry that you kissed me” he divulged.

Jun gulped, trying to recall if what the other said was true. It probably was. “Hm yeah. I’m not sorry for that… but I don’t really want to bring it up” he noted.

The other one looked confused. “Why?”. Was Joshua playing dumb or…?

The black-haired boy cleared his throat. “You know…” he motioned his head to the direction of Joshua’s flat. The other looked confused for a moment, but quickly understood what he meant. Again, the cat eyed boy reaction surprised him, he quirked up an eyebrow and slightly smirked. Jun’s heart hurt, he had forgotten how to handle all the things the other made him feel.

“Oh.” Is all he says, just nodding his head up and down slowly. “We aren’t together.” Joshua said holding in a scoff. “We weren’t even alone back there” Jun expression must have given out his relief, because Joshua snorted at him. “Besides” he continued, taking a step closer to the other one “I am here with you, ain’t I? Or what, you thought I was going to two time? What do you take me for Mr. Wen Junhui?”

Aah… there it was again. His name pronounced in the most beautiful way possible: by Joshua’s voice. “I don’t know… you clearly tried to seduce me in that sailor outfit that time.”

Joshua laughed out loud, his habit was there: the hand covering his pretty smile. He then made eye contact with Jun, a cute cat like smile on his lips.

“I didn’t _try_ , I **definitely** seduced you.” He assured and Junhui’s knees felt wobbly; he felt like he would melt by the rush of emotions he felt at the moment.

Joshua was looking at him, talking to him, laughing at him, and now kissing him, his warm heaven like lips were against his own and his chest was about to burst. He hadn’t thought it was possible for someone to bring him so much happiness, so much hope… he hadn’t thought it was possible to love someone so much. Jun felt his eyes watering up but he didn’t want to cry, he didn’t want to ruin this precious moment.

When their lips parted, Jun was in a daze. He praised himself for not crying, he wouldn’t want to miss the beautiful sight of Joshua’s fluttery eyelashes that were closed in a delightful expression because he had a blurry vision.

The younger gently caressed the other cheeks with the back of his hands, watching as he nuzzled them, smiling lovely with a cat like expression. Jun really liked that.

“There’s something else I never told you.” The Chinese boy whispered, words loud enough only for the other one to listen to him. The other just hummed, waiting for the other to speak up. “I love you Joshua Hong” he says with certainty.

The star eyed boy finally opened his eyes leisurely, and he looked so soft, his hair a tad bit messy, cheeks warm and flushed against his palms, lips curled up in a smile, eyes full of fondness. Junhui would always be mesmerized by that boy.

“Took you long enough” Joshua teased him softly.

And in that moment Jun realized he wanted to be by that boy’s side forever.


End file.
